For most of my life so far I've avoided relationships. Maybe it's commitment issues, maybe it's lack of self-confidence, or maybe it's just disinterest... However, romance is something that I've not considered a priority in my life. Get ready for sort of a rant:
In high school, I was not looking to be in a relationship whatsoever. I was the least boy crazy person. All I wanted was to get into college. Yes, sometimes I think back and wonder what it would've been like, if it would've changed my outlook right now; but, then I think of all the things that I did experience and how a relationship would've prevented those moments.
I'd say that I'm very much a career and goal driven person. When I want something I go after it - especially if it concerns my future. With this in mind, I worked as hard as I could in high school, in classes, as a student athlete, and in all my extra-curricular activities and service work. All these things have helped me get to where I am now, so I would say I invested my time in the right things. I also value the friendships I have in my life so much. I don't think I could've survived high school if it weren't for my best friends. I knew that I only had a limited amount of time to spend almost everyday with them before I went off to college, so I wanted to prioritize that time with them. That's a decision I definitely do not regret.
Most of all, I understood that during those last few years of my childhood it was the time to work on myself and take the steps toward being who I wanted to become. I think of myself as a pretty independent person. I didn't want to compromise that and I was/am scared that I would get too attached/dependent on another person. I dedicated my time in high school to becoming one whole person, so that in the future, when I do decide I'm ready, I can be in a healthy relationship where it's two whole people coming together, not two people being each other's halves.
I also just don't care that much.
That kind of sounds bad, but I don't mean it in a bad way.
First, there's the fact that when you're in a relationship each person has their own individual lives. I don't want to put so much focus into someone else's life when I have my own to live. I think in the right relationship, two people will still be able to live their own lives just side by side.
Then, there's the matter of trust that goes hand-in-hand with the previous. I believe that people are fully capable of making their own decisions. For example, I see all over social media, these girls being upset over their boyfriends going out to hang out with the boys or just simply going out without them. For me, I just don't care. I want my own time, alone or with my friends, so why shouldn't they get that too. It's all a matter of trust. I want to be in a relationship where we trust one another without hesitation. Sometimes I don't wanna go out and if the other person want to, there's nothing stopping them. If you choose to be in a relationship with somebody, there's a reason for that and a reason that they chose you.
However, a person is also able to make dumb decisions. If someone chooses to do something that betrays that trust then I believe it just shows they're not meant to be in your life anymore. It's just as simple as, they're out of my life. And that's fine by me. I don't need anyone in my life, I'm fully capable of making myself happy.
There's also the fact that I'm comfortable being single. I don't catch feelings easily. I'm known to have a habit of friend zoning almost immediately...The rare chance I do like somebody, I usually end up being straight up with them (because I'm impatient). If they don't feel the same way, then that's fine. I'm not going to take time to question why...you can't force feelings. Anyway, most of the time I end up telling the person about my feelings, because I need to get it out for myself...It's for my own good and to clear my head. Remember: rejection is redirection. Also, remember that you don't need anyone to be successful or to be happy with your life.
One other thing that has become my pet peeve is when people, especially guys, are not upfront with me. The only way I can understand the person and for the person to understand me, is to communicate and sometimes that means being brutally honest. It's scary, but in the end, it skips all the unnecessary games. Whether someone reciprocates similar feelings for me, or not, I'd rather them be honest with me. If I was able to muster up the courage to tell you how I feel, then I deserve to know the truth - whether it's what I want to hear or not.
All of this being said, I ultimately just don't catch feelings easily. I think mostly it's because I don't care - about relationships and non-genuine people. In my life so far I think I could count the number of major crushes I've had on one hand... (a To All The Boys post coming soon???)
Now that I'm in college, however, I don't know where my head's at with this relationship stuff. I guess I'm in the mindset of whatever happens, happens. I'm open to anything right now. I want to experience everything life has to offer me as a college student and I just want to have fun with genuine people. I truly believe that right now, is the only time I can be selfish, and prioritize my goals most of all. I don't want to lose sight of my wildest dreams and I don't want to miss any opportunities when it comes to getting closer to achieving those dreams. So I'm going to continue to put myself and my goals first.
This is different for everyone. If you've found your person - that's amazing; if you're in the talking stage right now - see what could happen; if you're single - don't take that freedom for granted, work on yourself, I'm right there with you!
I think that overall, whether you're in a relationship or not, take this time to prioritize what you desire and what you want for your life. You're never going to get this time back. I think it's possible to have both a healthy relationship and to go after your dreams - so make it happen.
XOXO, JKIM
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